i prefer that no one pulls punches,
behind that preference
a want
need
for clarity.
for the heart of the melt,
for understanding and creation of shared empathy and intimacy. fundamentally lacking in so many places in the sometimes ugly,
thin skinned,
instant self gratification
more on that subject after some kissing.
trust me i wanna know. in time, tell me everything.
ask me anything.
you know that i know, that you know that we know, that you’re not just someone, or just anyone, and neither am i,
so that’s why it’s damn the torpedoes,
and that’s saying bunches.
you’re sorry you missed it,
it’s so more rewarding to have these things to share,
it was just me,
the visuals far less important in the moment.
these things happen…that ‘drop everything and feed the immediate needs’
viewed by some as a lack of control or responsibility
however it’s more about fully living with the animals.
cars, bars, showers and occasionally the kitchen table.
and for christsakes it’s awfully fun,
and fun is good when no one else gets bothered,
sometimes it’s the northern lights from the hood of the truck parked in the middle of a field, under a blanket literally and figuratively.
progress on resolving a bit of a recent rocky patch
like some other stories requires deftness, awareness, and some both focused attention and time and space.
and a healthy sense of humor.
the last few chapters (by some accounts) rather strange, selfish and self indulgent,
but
perspective.
a very civil and amicable process developed into something quite toxic
i continued on a rather radical shift
in thinking,
in feeling,
in direction
will bring them around
there are lots of good times ahead.
lessons on letting go, expectations, patience and persistence. lots and lots of love stuff. lots of growth.
the girl with no name,
the ‘near miss’ that changed the way i viewed the possibilities
that so inspired and fired up,
that allowed me to see some things i suspected existed but had never experienced,
and the timing and all of the other things that started happening in and around that period…
a many glasses of angel’s conversation
and requires eye contact and some real trust.
it was real,
and it happened
i was gutted,
devastated,
blown apart in the aftermath
and
for a long time
it colored my world,
but the diamonds that got unearthed in the afterlife was worth it,
because
i’m worth it,
and so it goes.
blessed teachers magic true love who i am what i’m capable of what mad crazy skillz and gifts
i got the voodoo in me.
not an idealization but rather an example of this weird dreamlike state
where i am most comfortable
and where i’m most effective, where i am supposed to live and be, where i have the most to offer.
the rose colored goggles i wear when i look at everything that matters.
that steelhead that one time,
alex’s first time barefoot on the warm freshly cut grass,
that night alone on the lake in the moonlight,
that time in that place
this girl had a theory that when she met a boy who knew
how to split a cord of wood
and how to drink an espresso properly,
this would be the man she would marry.
she did,
and so she did,
but that dude really staged it.
a narcissist
he hurt her
really
really
badly.
years later
she met me,
it was a thing
because i did,
i do
both
quite naturally
but we couldn’t get it together,
and as much as i loved her
(you see, it can happen again)
the universe had my back
and i got what i needed not what i wanted
and i learned even more about the stuff
and the things.
dc/jp
spiritwolf 